Jigsaw
by ferryboats7
Summary: She thinks we're still dating, Derek told himself incredulously. But soon she'll start to remember. And she'll have to live through all the hurt of the past year all over again. Hopefully a little original concept. CHAPTER THREE UP! Hardcore MerDer a
1. Chapter 1

**Jigsaw**

**A/N So first off I'm really bad for starting a new story when I'm not quite done with Sky Blue and Black (I did update right before adding this one, if you missed it) and I'm putting Polaris off for a week or two. But this story is a little different, and I wrote the first few chapters while stuck at my brothers baseball tourney this weekend and ended up liking it a lot. When you're writing fanfics, it feels like all the set ups have been done (pregnancies, moving away, car accidents, etc.) and I wanted something more original. Not being able to think of anything right off, I decided to take one of the standard set-ups and do something completely different with it. That is, take it in a direction that, hopefully, hasn't been done before much.**

**Info to know: One month after the finale. Meredith and Derek are NOT together. The rest of the events that filled in that one month will become revealed as the story goes on…you'll see what I'm talking about pretty soon when you start reading. George and Meredith incident didn't happen, but everything else is the same. Denny died, Callie and George are together, Burke is pretty much recovered, Izzie is working at the hospital again, because I don't feel like going into the whole quit thing. But she recently started back, for the sake of the story. **

Derek Shepard washed his hands as he left the OR. Successful surgery. He'd pulled it off like it was nothing out of the ordinary. As if the patient was nothing but a normal car crash victim, female, 29 years old, sustained major head trauma.

He had been able to make his hands stop shaking and keep his vision from blurring with the tears that kept coming when the terror hit him.

None of the interns had scrubbed in, for obvious reasons, but Dr. Bailey had. She'd remembered for him to close the gallery off.

As he scrubbed his hands at the sink, his surgical mask dangling around his neck, his hands shook and his breath came out in sharp gasps. He'd held it together in there. He hadn't had a choice. If he'd shown what he was feeling, he wouldn't have been allowed to do the surgery.

No way would he have let anyone else do that surgery.

Dr. Bailey smiled slightly at him when she came up at the sink next to him. "Good surgery."

He exhaled slowly. "Yeah. The risks, though-"

Dr. Bailey shook her head. "She'll get through that. Could have been so much worse. She's lucky to be alive."

"Yeah." He thought back to the choking panic when he'd been called on a consult by one of the ER doctors. He'd arrived just before Bailey had, giving her or anyone else no time to get him away.

Bailey raised her eyebrows at him. "You want to talk to the other suck-ups out there or should I do it?"

Derek untied the surgical cap on his head and slowly ran his fingers through his hair. "No, that's…I'll do it."

Bailey nodded. "If I were to guess, they're standing right outside."

Sure enough, the minute the two doctors emerged from the OR, Cristina, Alex, Izzie and George descended on them.

"Is she okay?"

"She gonna be okay?"

Bailey slapped Derek on the back with a smile. "All yours."

He cleared his throat and watched Bailey walk down the hallway. "The surgery went well. We repaired any damage and she should be fine."

Sighs of relief filled the air.

"There is one other thing. She…we were working around the temporal lobe of her brain, where what is stored?" He quizzed them as if they were in surgery.

To no one's surprise, Cristina spoke first, giving the answer automatically. "Memory."

"Right, yes. Memory." Derek shifts uncomfortably. "As I said, we…we were working in that area and…there's a possibility of damage. To the memory."

George stared at him. "You mean…she could lose her memory?"

"Well, generally…" Derek is having trouble maintaining his professional tone. "If there is damage, it's usually on partial memory loss, and temporary. But…it could be fine. We won't know for sure until she wakes up."

Izzie was staring at him fearfully. "Dr. Shepard? I don't get it…partial loss?"

"Yes, it can be anything from temporary loss of short term memory, or she could not remember a certain amount of time before the accident."

Alex shook his head slightly, clearly thinking hard. "But…not permanently?"

"It's…very unlikely. And as I said, she could wake up and be fine."

"When will she wake up?"

Derek studied the floor distractedly. "Shouldn't be more than a couple of hours. Are…I mean, are you going to be there? With her."

They nodded. Cristina said, "None of us is on call."

"Okay, well…page me when she starts waking okay? I've got other patients, but I'll check on her as much as I can." He turned and walked off.

Izzie turned to Christina after he left. "He acts like he doesn't care."

Alex shook his head. "No, he acts like she's just another patient."

"He's faking it." Cristina sounded sure of herself. "You guys didn't see his face when I got to the ER. He was terrified for her."

They began to walk down the corridors to Meredith's post-op room.

Izzie looked worried. "About that memory thing…"

"You heard Shepard. It'll probably be temporary."

"Still…"

George met her eyes. "It could have been a lot worse", he said quietly, unknowingly repeating Bailey's words from earlier.

"You never know about post-operation. You can think everything is fine, then…" She trailed off softly. Alex looked down, and Cristina and George glanced at each other uncomfortably. It's still hard for them to know how to handle these comments from Izzie, the ones that serve as a quiet reminder of everything she went through when Denny died.

"She'll be fine." Cristina said confidently.

They entered her room, where Meredith was lying on the bed, giving the appearance of a deep sleep. She looked no different than she had right before going into surgery, after the blood had been cleaned off.

Izzie sat in one of the two chairs. "A few hours, right?"

"That's what Shepard said." Alex confirmed, taking the other chair.

Cristina stared at him indignantly. "Uh, excuse you?'

"What?"

"The chair. Give it up."

"Why should I?"

George grinned slightly. "It's what you're supposed to do for the ladies, man."

"She's no _lady_." Alex grumbled, standing up from the chair anyway. Cristina smirked at him as she sat down.

Izzie was staring at Meredith. "Now all we can do it wait."

XXXXXXXX

Derek left Meredith's friends and turned the corner of the hallway and headed instantly for the on-call room.

He locked the door when he got inside, confirming it was empty. Breathing heavily, he touched his hands to the wall and leaned forward, staring at the ground.

She'll be fine, he repeated to himself over and over. She's going to be fine.

He tongued the inside of his cheeks; they were raw from his constantly biting them to keep from screaming or crying or cursing or whatever else he'd felt since he saw Meredith on that stretcher earlier.

He had kept of the professional act up in front of her friends. The hostility in their eyes, a familiar sight that had returned the past month or so, showed that they didn't see how he felt about it.

They thought he didn't care.

The truth is, Derek had never been more terrified.

He had lied about having other patients. He wasn't on call either. He was dying to go into her room and wait by her bed to know as soon as possible if she was alright.

But he couldn't do that. It would blow the image.

He waited there, in the on call room, trying not to stare at his pager, for about three hours before it began beeping.

He stood quickly and half-ran down the hallway toward her room.

Panting slightly, he stuck his head in the door. Meredith's friends were crowded around her bed.

"She awake?"

George looked at him. "Close."

Derek walked over and stood behind Alex and Izzie on one side of the bed, watching Meredith's eyelids flutter. "Meredith?"

He tried to position himself closer, between Alex and Izzie but they gave him no room, Alex shooting him a glare as he moved closer to Izzie.

Derek got it. He wanted to act like just her doctor, than that was all he was.

Meredith moaned slightly.

Cristina was talking, "Mer? C'mon, Meredith, wake up…"

Meredith's eyes opened and shut instantly against the light. "What...what happened?"

"You were in a car accident." George told her gently.

Her eyes darted around at each of her friends. "Oh…"

Derek stepped back and pretended to be studying a machine.

"Am I…am I going to be okay?"

Izzie smiled at her. "You're going to be fine now. But you freaked us out…"

"Do you remember the accident?" Cristina asked.

Meredith was shaking her head. "No…"

"Well, that's normal." Izzie glanced at Derek. "That's normal, right?"

Before he had to answer, Cristina spoke, "Of course it's normal. She's fine, watch." She met Meredith's eyes. "Mer, who am I?"

"Cristina." Meredith's eyebrows knit together.

Cristina jabbed George in the side. "Who's this?"

"George."

"See, she's fine."

Derek had moved back against the far wall, scribbling something on the chart. Meredith hadn't seen him yet.

Meredith looked at Cristina again. "Where's McDreamy?"

"_Who?_" Izzie and Cristina had spoken at the same time. Derek was staring, too. Meredith hadn't called him McDreamy-or anything but Dr. Shepard, for that matter- for the last month.

"Derek." She looked at them questioningly. "Did he do the surgery?"

Alex jerked his head behind him to the wall. "He's right there."

Meredith met his eyes.

His heart was melting slightly. She wasn't looking at him with the usual distance, indifference or, occasionally, if he caught her at it, anger. It was the old look.

He stepped forward, unable to keep up the professional act anymore. The others were staring so much they didn't think to get in his way. He knelt down so he could look at her. "Hey."

"Hey. Am I…am I really going to be fine now?"

He nodded, suddenly fighting a lump in his throat. "Yeah, you're…you're fine." He smiled shakily. "God, I was scared, Mer…" Maybe this would be his chance. To apologize. Maybe the car accident was what it had taken for her to forgive him.

Then she did something that shocked all of them.

She put a hand on his cheek and kissed him softly.

Derek kissed back without thinking, but when they broke apart, he was staring at her.

"What the-" Cristina started to say, but Izzie stepped on her foot to stop her.

"Meredith…" Derek asked, his heart pounding but trying to keep his voice calm. "What month is it?"

"June." She answered immediately.

"Year?"

"2005."

Derek inhaled sharply. He turned and looked at her friends, who were staring at each other, openmouthed.

"What?" Meredith's voice rose slightly in panic. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, I just…" Derek had his soothing tone. "I need you to answer some questions for me."

"Derek, my head hurts…"

"I know, but I'll get you something for the pain…just tell me..." He paused. "Tell me something we did together. Recently. The last thing you remember."

"You showed me your trailer." Her face gave away the fear she was feeling. "Derek, please tell me what's going on-"

"You said 2005?" Alex asked.

"Yeah…" She met Derek's eyes, hers pleading. "Is that wrong?"

Derek closed his eyes momentarily. "Mer…it's 2006."

"What?"

"When we operated we were working around the temporal lobe."

"You mean I can't remember a whole year?"

"It's a…" Doctor mode again, he willed himself. "It's a form of partial retrograde amnesia. Don't worry, it's almost always temporary…"

"Don't worry?" Meredith repeated faintly. "I've lost a whole year-"

"Temporarily. Um, when you recover…for most patients, they'll start to recall older memories first, then the more recent memories but…as we get into more recent memories, the ones that happened close together tend to return…the bits and pieces, that start to come back in a more random order, like…well, like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle." This was how he described it the couple of times he'd seen something like this happen.

Meredith's face was pale, and she looked like she was trying to comprehend everything. Derek slipped his hand into hers and squeezed it reassuringly.

Repeating Bailey's earlier words, he told her softly, "It could have been worse."

She smiled weakly at him.

Derek's head was spinning. He had only gotten to the realization that Meredith thought they were dating before he'd stopped thinking ahead.

Christina and Izzie were staring at each other in horror. They had gotten further than Dr. Shepard in understanding the reality of this.

"So…" Meredith's voice was shaking, like she was trying really hard to stay calm. "So what happened? For the last year?"

"Well-" Cristina started.

Derek interrupted. "Actually, Mer, it's better if we just let you remember on your own…shoving a lot of information could confuse you." Cristina is sending him a withering glare. "That's, um, that's what I've found, at least."

"Dr. Shepard, could I see you in the hall?" Cristina asked him, faking a smile.

"Um, yeah. Sure." He smiled at Meredith. "We'll be right back."

"And then we should probably go, Mer." Izzie told her, smiling. "It's like two a.m. and you probably need to rest."

Meredith looked at Derek before he left the room, asking hesitantly, "Derek? Will you…will you stay with me tonight?"

He met her eyes, smiling. "Yeah, of course."

Out in the hallway, Cristina was glaring at him. "Seriously!"

"What?"

"You're going to take advantage of this? She thinks you're dating! You really want to _use _that-"

"_Actually_, I happen to know it's better not to act like anything's drastically different until she starts remembering." He told her with a smirk. "Stress. Confusion."

"Maybe so, but you said the older memories return first. Which means that one of the first thing she'll remember will be your _wife _showing up."

Derek's smirk faded.

"You want to be the one to deal with that? Fine." Cristina turned and went back into the room.

Derek leaned his back against the wall and slid slightly down it, groaning softly.

The magnitude of what was happening finally hit him.

She thinks we're dating, he told himself. And soon she'll start remembering…and she'll have relive all the hurt of the past year all over again.

Damn.

**Chapter Two**

Derek followed Cristina back into the room to see Meredith's friends telling her goodbye.


	2. Chapter 2

**Okay, so I suck. I was out of town all week, being a counselor at a camp, and I thought I'd get a chance to use a computer there as usual but didn't, and I didn't have a chance to update either this or Sky Blue and Black (which will be updated within the next day or two) before I left. So anyway, I'm sorry. Thanks everyone for all the AWESOME reviews. Please review this. It's long, which I hope makes up for being late a little. **

_Something's scratching it's way out_

_Something you want to forget about_

_No one expects you to get up_

_All on your own with no one around_

_The Fray "Little House" _

_**Chapter Two**_

Derek followed Cristina back into the room to see Meredith's friends telling her goodbye.

They shot looks at Derek as they left the room that could be considered warnings, Cristina in particular.

Meredith was noticeably freaked out, so Derek walked over to her bed, smiling reassuringly at her and taking her hand. "You okay?"

She nodded, giving a smile that appeared to take a lot of effort to hold. "It's just…I feel like someone's going to tell me this is a joke." She bit her lips slightly, and Derek's heart was breaking for the confusion she must be feeling, and for the hurt he knew was coming.

Instinctively, he moved next to her on the bed, half lying and half sitting next to her, and wrapped his arms around her. She nuzzled her face into his neck, relaxing slightly.

His heart was pounding wildly, expecting her to question them at any time. He wonders briefly why she hadn't yet asked the state of their relationship, but quickly realized that she had no reason to. The reality of the lost year clearly hadn't set in yet, and (apart from the surprise by the kiss) Derek hadn't acted as if they weren't dating.

He kissed her hair and whispered, "You should get to sleep, Mer. I know you're in pain." He gritted his teeth; there was something ominous about the last sentence, because, for once, it seems like more pain is going to come as the "recovery" progressed.

Meredith, obviously groggy, began to drift off to sleep, feeling temporarily safe in Derek's arms, reassured by his behavior that some things hadn't changed, that they had obviously grown stronger.

Derek didn't know what to do, though. He knew he was misleading her, but what was he supposed to say? He couldn't just come out and tell her they weren't together anymore, and she'd figure out why soon enough.

And then there was the selfish part of him that wanted to savor these moments.

He couldn't sleep that night, so he didn't mind that the hospital bed's edge is uncomfortable. He just sat there, holding Meredith, wanting desperately to protect her from what was coming for as long as he could.

Every once in awhile he had to suppress a groan as he recalled something that she would soon be remembering. Addison walking up, of course. The way he hadn't signed the papers when he'd said he would. Her asking him to pick her. The night of the train accident. The bomb. Him calling her a whore. Prom night. Finn. What happened after prom…

He winced. It _would_ have to be _this _particular year.

Well, he had no one to blame but himself. Everything bad that happened to her, with the exception of people exploding in front of her, had been his fault. Him and a string of his bad decisions.

Even if Meredith had her memory she wouldn't know that he'd spent the past month drowning in self-hatred for everything that had happened.

XXXXXXX

Cristina, George and Alex were spread out around the living room in the house Meredith, Izzie, and George shared.

"Can you believe Shepard?" George commented vehemently. "Taking advantage of the fact that she thinks they're dating?"

Izzie entered from the kitchen in time to hear this comment and said, laying a plate of brownies on the coffee table, "Well, to his credit, what was he supposed to say when she asked him to stay? 'Sorry, Mer, but we broke up because of my secret wife.'"

George shook his head. "Still…"

Alex took a brownie and licked the icing off. His mouth full, he mumbled, "This is pretty bad."

"Jesus, Evil Spawn, close your mouth." Cristina stared in disgust at the chewed up brownie that shifted every time Alex said a word.

Izzie ignored Cristina and answered Alex. "Yeah, it's bad. I mean, especially…_this _year, you know? Addison coming. Derek picking Addison. The bomb. The-"

"We know!" Cristina interrupted. " Believe me, we know. There's no need to recap."

"Well, ex_cuse _me." Izzie glared at her. "Just think of how bad she got at the beginning of the McDreamy crap. She's going to go through it all again."

"And that's why he shouldn't be lying to her!" George put in.

"What is he supposed to do!" Izzie was yelling suddenly. "How the hell is anyone supposed to know how to act in this situation, _especially_ him!

George stared at her in disbelief. Izzie's attitude towards Shepard had been the same as the rest of them. "Why are you_ defending _him? _Shepard_, of all people!"

"Because he gets to gets to go back to the time of his life when he was with the person he loves and everything was okay, and who can blame him? It's a lie, and it's going to hurt him in the long run, but…who the hell can blame him for pretending? Most of us don't get the chance to even pretend, and I wish _I_ had that chance…" Izzie looked upset and George threw a look at Cristina and Alex for help.

"Iz…" Alex said softly, then stopped talking. What do you say to something like that?

Cristina found her voice first. "There's a difference, though. Shepard screwed up. He made all the mistakes. He's lost his right to pretend."

"He loves her." Izzie whispered, her eyes closing. "I'm not saying it's right…it'll probably make it even harder for Mer, if that's possible. But…I don't blame him."

Silence fell on all of them for a while, then Alex tentatively spoke, "What about us? What are we supposed to tell her? She'll ask…"

"Anybody want to volunteer to be the one to explain everything?" Cristina raised her eyebrows. "Didn't think so."

"I don't like lying to her." George muttered.

"So we won't lie. We'll just say what Shepard said earlier, about how it's better if she remembers on her own."

"It's not our place to tell her." Izzie agreed.

XXXXXXXX

Meredith woke up early, the pain in her head not quite as bad as when she'd fallen asleep. Derek's arms were around her, and while it felt good, it must have been making him uncomfortable. Turning her face toward him, she asks, "Did you stay like that all night?"

He looked startled, but then smiled down at her. "Yeah."

"You couldn't have slept."

"Ah, I grabbed a wink or two. Wasn't feeling too tired." He leaned down and kissed her softly. "How are you feeling this morning?" He sat up and grabbed her chart.

Meredith watched him carefully. "Better." To herself she added, scared. Everything terribly recent felt fuzzy. She had a dim recollection of working in the hospital, but nothing about the car accident. It didn't seem possible, though, that an entire year was gone. Seeing Derek's trailer…that felt like a few nights ago.

"Derek?"

"Yeah?"

"What…what aren't you telling me?"

He looked at her, startled, his face reddening slightly. "Huh?"

"I know you, Derek. What…what do I need to know? About the…the last year." It sounded so strange to say that.

Derek lowered his eyes to the chart. "I told you, Mer, it's better if-"

"I remember on my own." She finished for him, her voice flat. "But something's wrong."

There was a catch in his voice that did nothing to ease her worries. "Everything's fine."

A thought occurred to her. "Derek, um, my mother. Is she still…"

Derek relaxed, glad he could give her some good news that was at least honest. "She's fine."

"Good." She studied him, aching slightly at the expression in his eyes. There _is_ something wrong. She thinks of the possibilities, and her heart sank as she realized they're endless; a lot can happen in a year. Her eyes filled with tears, the painful reality hitting at last. Suddenly, Meredith is unable to fight a feeling of horrible emptiness and confusion.

Derek glanced at her. "Mer…" He sat back on the edge of the bed, squeezing her hand reassuringly.

"Tell me that everything's okay." She begged him. "You look so worried. And everyone, last night…they looked freaked out. And not just the amnesia…you probably told them there was the possibility of that. There's something else." He looked away. "Derek?"

"Um…" His mouth was dry. He had dreaded questions like this. Meredith knew him too well to not see the terror hanging over him. He couldn't come up with any excuses, so he whispered honestly, "I don't really know what to say to you, Mer. I don't know how to handle this anymore than you do."

"Oh." She blinked hard, keeping the tears back. So he wasn't disputing her anymore that something was wrong. She sighed shakily, then asked softly, desperately, "Just tell me one thing, Derek. You and me…well, where are we? Relationship-wise."

His eyes darkened slightly, panic choking him. There was no point in lying; she'll be remembering in a few days. Words ran through his mind, words that were mature and honest without giving away too much. _I screwed up a lot the past year…_

But he didn't want to stop pretending before her had to. He wanted to protect Meredith while he still had to control. So instead, he said, "I've been in love with you this whole time. Nothing's changed there." He tried desperately to shake the feeling of guilt. Nothing he'd said was untrue; in fact he never believed anything so much in his life. Still. It felt misleading. Because it didn't really answer her question. He'd learned that how he felt about Meredith said nothing about them, "relationship-wise."

She was smiling up at him, though. Her voice is quiet. "You never said that before." When his eyes became questioning, she clarified. "Love. You haven't said…oh." She paused. "Never mind. You probably had, in the year…"

He laughed nervously. The truth is, he had only told Meredith he loved her once, recently. This seemed absurd for him to realize, since it was loving her that had consumed him for so long. He'd told Addison, several times, that he loved Meredith. But as for Meredith herself, only once…and it had made her cry.

"Then I'll say it more to make up for it." He kissed her gently. "I love you." He smiled and she returned it.

Meredith was relieved. She knows there's more she isn't being told, but Derek was what she was most concerned about.

"When do I get to go home?"

"Hmmm?" Derek was deep in thought. "Oh, um, should be within the next day or two."

"And…" She hesitated. "My memory? When will I start-"

"The next day or two." He repeated. "It might come slower at first, but then things will begin to return more quickly." His pager went off. "Crap. I have to go, Mer, okay? I'll come back by later…you just focus on feeling better." She smiled uncertainly at him. Derek seemed to be alternating between being his usual sweet, romantic self and being nervous, formal and vague.

"If you see Cristina and everyone…can you ask them to come by? You know, if they get a chance?" Maybe they would tell her whatever it was Derek was omitting.

"I'm sure they'll be by anyway, Mer, but I'll tell them when I see them." He gave her one more quick kiss before leaving the room.

Meredith sighed and leaned back against her pillow, watching him leave.

About forty minutes later, Cristina and Izzie entered the room, wearing their scrubs. "Hey!"

"Hi." Meredith paused, then decided to launch right in. "Look, I need you guys to be honest with me. What is it that everyone's not telling me?"

Christina and Izzie exchanged a look, and Christina spoke carefully, "Well, we're not telling you a lot, Mer. A year's a lot of stuff."

"You know what I mean." She retorts, annoyed. "Something that's a big deal. McDreamy's acting all nervous."

Another look was exchanged, and Meredith's annoyance was rising. "Listen, I've just found out that an entire year has gone by and I might as well have slept through it."

"Okay, okay." Cristina sat down in the chair next to the bed. "Yes, a year is a long time. And this past one was pretty eventful. But-"

"But, we're not supposed to tell you anything big." Izzie finished. "It's really complicated, catching you up on a year. And it can confuse you when your memory starts returning."

Meredith glared at them in frustration. She was finding it hard not to get angry at everyone, even though she knew that they had no more experience with something like this then she did.

"We can fill you in on some smaller stuff, though." Cristina added helpfully.

Meredith sighed. Smaller stuff wasn't what she was concerned about. But then she decided that anything was better than nothing, so she agreed, "Go ahead."

"Um…" Cristina paused, looking at Izzie for suggestions.

"Cristina's living with Burke."

"_What_!" Temporarily forgetting her frustrations, Meredith stared at Cristina. "You and Burke? For how long?"

"Since a little before you can remember. The night after that party at your house."

"After all the crap you've been giving me about dating an attending?"

Cristina smiled, but couldn't help feeling unsettled by Meredith's choice of tense…as if it all happened recently, which, to Meredith, it had. "Yep."

"Okay, what else?"

"Dr. Bailey had a baby." Izzie said.

"When?"

"Couple months ago. A boy." Cristina answered.

"We're friends with Alex now."

"Really?" She glanced at Cristina. "Even you?"

"Sort of."

"George dates Dr. Torress." Izzie added, now wracking her brain for information to both discourage further questions and help Meredith feel a little more caught up.

"Who?"

"Oh, right, you don't…um, she's an orthopedic surgical resident. Callie. They're dating."

"Do we like her?"

"Izzie doesn't."

"I don't mind her." Izzie glanced at Meredith. "Except that she peed in front of us."

"What!"

"And didn't wash her hands."

"Ew!"

"I know."

Cristina grinned slightly.

Meredith was beginning to relax a little. "What else?"

"The nurses went on strike at the hospital months ago…"

"George did open heart surgery on a GSW by himself in an elevator when the power went off…

"Alex was in there, too, but he chickened out."

"Wow."

"Yeah." Izzie paused slightly, searching her brain. Most of what comes to mind for both her and Cristina that isn't too personal are medical cases.

"Alex failed a part of his medical boards the first time and we all helped him study, especially you…"

"We all treated a patient who had quints…"

"There was this train accident and these two people got attached by a pole…"

"We tried to steal a case where this guy looked like he was pregnant, but it turned out it was an adult terrotoma…"

"Addison put Alex exclusively on the vagina squad for like a month…"

"We had a woman with spontaneous orgasms…"

"Wait a second." Meredith interrupted. "How did Alex fail a board, what happened to the people on the pole, and who's Addison?"

Cristina glared at Izzie, whose face reddened slightly.

Speaking in a would-be casual voice, Izzie said slowly, "Alex failed his practical, and you got everyone to help him and he passed."

"One of the people on the pole died because we moved her backwards off of it, but the man lived."

"And Addison is a new surgeon. Neo-natal, that area."

"Resident?"

"Yeah. She transferred."

"Nice?"

Cristina could feel Izzie looking at her, and wished she could shout at her to be cool. "She's okay."

"Oh." Meredith leaned back in her bed. "Anything else?"

Cristina and Izzie exchanged a look. Wordlessly, they agreed to not say anything else; even what they had told had turned risky. "Not really."

"Oh…well, thanks. For telling me something. Even if it was just the little things."

Izzie smiled slightly at her. "No problem. Sorry we can't help more. I know it's so confusing right now."

"It is." Meredith repeated softly.

Cristina smiled sympathetically at her and touched Meredith's arm lightly, which for her is a big sign of affection and understanding. "Hang in there. You'll be okay."

"Thanks guys."

"We should go."

"Okay. See you."

Izzie noted the dejected undertone to Meredith's voice. "We'll come back and visit. George and Alex, too. And you _know _Shepard will be around."

"Yeah. Thanks. Have fun rounding." Meredith managed a slight grin.

"Oh, it'll be a blast."

They shot smiles back at her as they left.

Meredith sat in bed, going over everything they'd told her. Cristina and _Burke_. George and some new doctor. A new neo-natal resident.

And that was just the "little stuff". Those were facts, not incidents, nothing big.

She lay there for awhile, trying to relax, when Dr. Bailey walked in.

"Morning."

"Oh, hey Dr. Bailey."

"How you holding up?"

"I'll be okay."

"Glad to hear it." Dr. Bailey smiled slightly. "Shepard been here?"

"Yeah." Meredith smiled. "He's been great." She watched Dr. Bailey carefully as her expression darkened momentarily. Though she was beginning to realize that any questioning would prove useless, she couldn't resist asking, "What?"

"Sorry?"

"What is it? You just…you had a look." Feeling ridiculous, Meredith added, "I mean…I can tell with everyone. What is it everyone isn't telling me." Bailey opened her mouth, but Meredith cut her off. "And don't say they aren't telling me a lot because a year's a long time. I know that. But what is it that's got everyone so freaked?"

Dr. Bailey hesitated, then gave her a small smile. "Do me a favor, Meredith. Don't spend too much time stressing about what you've missed. It won't do you any good, and you'll remember soon anyway."

"But-"

"I've got to go see a patient." She paused, wanting to warn Meredith to be careful, but knew that would just confuse her and scare her more. "I'll see you later."

And Meredith was left alone again.

XXXXXXXXX

Derek was on his way back to her hospital room when Addison appeared, seemingly out of nowhere, in front of him.

Fixing him with an expressionless gaze, she spoke shortly, "I heard about Meredith."

"Thought we weren't talking."

"Derek."

"What?"

"I heard about Meredith. She doesn't know about me yet. She doesn't remember anything you've done."

"Thanks so much for the recap." Derek replied dryly.

"What are you doing about it?"

Derek looked her directly in the eyes and said in a flat voice. "That's none of your business, Addison."

"Maybe not, but I know you. Be careful. I know what you're thinking-"

"You don't know any-"

"-I know that you're trying to figure out a way to make this work in your advantage. You're trying to figure out how to win her back with this."

Derek felt the color rising to his face, out of either anger or embarrassment. "Stay out of it."

"Fine. But for once in your life, try thinking of someone else."

"That's not fair, Addison." His annoyance was increasing as the conversation progressed.

Ignoring him, Addison pressed on, "This is going to be hard on Meredith without you messing with your head. Maybe you should back off and give her space until she knows the whole story. What you're doing _isn't _fair-"

"Shut up." He snapped harshly, his voice shaking slightly. He was using anger to cover the fear that Addison might be right, and the guilt that came because he knew he was going to ignore the advice. "You don't get to stop speaking to me for weeks, even though we said no hard feelings, and then just out of the blue give me a sermon on something that's none of your business. And you _really_ don't get to pretend like you care anything about Meredith-"

"I do care about Meredith." She said, her tone calm but her eyes blazing. "I know what it's like to be hurt by you."

Derek was silent for a moment, then added, simply because he was sick of Addison playing the victim who did nothing wrong, "Likewise."

She started to give him a snapping reply but closed her mouth. "Fair enough." She paused, opened her mouth, then shut it again. "You're right. It's none of my business." She started to walk off, then turned around. "Even so-"

"Thought it was none of your business." He muttered.

"Even so, I think I'm right. About what you're trying to do. And you need to be careful. Think of how Meredith will feel." Without giving him a chance to reply or question what she said, she turned and disappeared down the corridor.

Derek stayed with Meredith that night again, but what Addison had said kept repeating itself in his mind. If he was honest with himself, he _was_ desperately hoping that something would occur to him to win her back. But so what? He'd been thinking about how to win her back all month long.

In the morning, he told Meredith that she would be able to be discharged that night.

He could see in her eyes what she was thinking: she was in a battle with herself, trying both to put the stress of the memories out of her mind and to come up with some explanation for her suspicions, that something was wrong.

Derek understood the idea of feeling torn.

He had a long surgery that day, so he didn't have much time with Meredith. Part of him was a bit thankful; he was beginning to feel like a such a fraud with her that he ended up nervous, certain she couldn't be buying any of his bullshit.

Izzie scrubbed in with him on the surgery, and Derek got the feeling that she came close to saying something to him several times but thought better of it. He was a bit glad that he didn't see any of the old disgust or anger in her eyes, something the rest of Meredith's friends had continued.

The surgery ended late in the evening, and afterwards, in the scrub room, Izzie startled him by breaking the silence and cutting into his thoughts. "So she's being discharged?"

"Yeah. We can go do that now, actually." A familiar stab of panic hit him; it had been doing it all day when he had allowed himself to think of discharging Meredith; something about her leaving the hospital, going on about normal lives without her knowing…it seemed a lot more scary. Also, the days were passing. She would remember at any time.

He didn't move.

Izzie peered at him, then said uncertainly. "Dr. Shepard?"

Derek stood for another moment, staring blankly into the empty OR, then violently pulled the surgical cap from his head and threw it onto the floor, cursing loudly, as some sort of understated illustration of what he was feeling.

Izzie watched awkwardly as he lowered his head into his hands, groaning quietly. After a few minutes of silence, he said quietly, "I know what I should do. I _know._ But knowing doesn't help me, because I…I just _can't._"

Hesitating slightly, because Derek's words held the slight of air of talking more to himself than Izzie, she spoke uncertainly, "What…what do you mean?"

"I should just give her space. I should back off until she knows the whole story. This isn't fair to her, it's _not_. But…" He gave a soft, humorless little laugh and looks up. "The way she looks at me. I don't want to let that go again. I _want _to see her look at me like she loves me, and like I've never hurt her. I want to be able to kiss her without thinking about it. I want to be able to tell her I love her without making her cry." He paused, glancing at Izzie. "You probably think I'm being a selfish bastard."

"I don't." She told him softly. "I know what you mean."

"Thanks." He paused. "I am, though. I am a selfish bastard. This shouldn't be about me, it should be about Meredith, and this is going to make it even harder for her, and this isn't the right way to do it."

"There isn't a right way to do this." Izzie countered.

"Maybe." Derek sighed. "But I…I want to protect her, you know? I want to keep her away from all that. This…control, even if its temporary, this is new. And I don't want to have to be the one to tell her what happened. I don't want to have to see the look on her face."

"I know." Izzie wanted to say something more helpful. "She'll be okay." Even as the words left her mouth, she could hear that she sounded unconvinced.

"You don't know that."

"Well, you know…" Izzie shrugged. "She's got us." She regretted saying that instantly, because she could see from the look on Derek's face that he'd seen the real meaning, the unfinished end of the sentence.

_Even if she doesn't have you._

Izzie flushed. "Sorry, I didn't…" She trailed off as Derek reached down the pick up his surgical cap, clearing his throat loudly.

"It's fine. Should we go get her?"

"Yeah…" As the two of them began walking out of the scrub room, Izzie finally made herself voice something she'd been thinking about all day. "Dr. Shepard?"

"Hmm?" He murmured distractedly.

"You said…you said that the amnesia was…you said it was _most likely_ temporary."

Derek slowly stopped walking and turned to face her. "Yeah."

"I just was…well, what if it isn't?"

Derek stared at her silently for a moment, and Izzie could tell that he hadn't thought of this before. At long last, he answered quietly, "I don't know."

"Would you…would you tell her anyway, or just-"

"I don't _know_, Stevens." A note of tetchiness was there now and Izzie backed off.

Derek's mind was spinning as they walked down the hallway. His first instinct when Izzie had mentioned the possibility had been to feel hope, followed instantly by intense guilt for even thinking…

"Hey!" Meredith's voice interrupted his thoughts, and Derek realized they'd come to her room, where she was sitting, fully dressed, on the edge of the bed, Cristina and George standing in the corner of the room.

He smiled warmly at Meredith. "Hey. You ready to get out of here?"

"Oh yeah. I don't see how long term patients stand it." She looked distastefully around the tiny hospital room, standing up as she did.

He kissed her gently, then leaned close to her ear and whispered. "I'm glad you're okay."

"Well, almost okay. Give me a few days to get caught up with everyone on the past year." She attempted a smile.

"You should start remembering some things pretty soon." He smiled falsely, hoping the give the idea that this was actually good news.

His pager went off at the moment; Derek was on-call that night, which saved him the decision of what to do about spending the night with Meredith…though to be honest, he'd been kind of hoping to.

"I got to go." He kissed her one more time. "Take it easy tomorrow, okay?"

"I will."

"I love you."

She smiled. "I love you, too."

Cristina sent him a disapproving look from behind Meredith's back and Derek quickly pulled his eyes away.

"Bye." He smiled at Meredith and gave a one handed wave to the others, then left the room.

XXXXXXXXXX

Meredith followed Izzie, George and Cristina down the hospital corridors, thinking how glad she was to be out of that hospital room when an unfamiliar voice called from behind them. "Excuse me, Dr. Stevens…"

Izzie froze, cringing as she slowly turned, feeling Cristina tense up next to her. Addison was standing there, and Izzie widened her eyes at her, trying to convey God knows what…

Understanding seemed to hit Addison, and she shifted her gaze to Meredith. "Dr. Grey. Glad to hear you're okay."

Meredith smiled politely, hey eyebrows knitting together slightly. "Thanks, um…"

"Right, you don't remember me." Addison said quickly, in a voice that made it obvious to Izzie, Cristina and George that she had remembered from the beginning. "Addison…Montgomery."

"Oh! Right, the new neo-natal specialist…Izzie and Cristian mentioned you."

"Oh?" Addison's eyes flickered to Izzie's, apparently surprised that they would mention anything of her to Meredith. "Well, anyway, it's good to see you're feeling better. Hope you'll be back at work soon."

"Thanks."

Addison's tone slipped effortlessly back to professional. "Dr. Stevens, I just wanted to make sure you got those labs in on Sylvia Davies?"

She was referring to the pregnant woman they'd been working on today. Izzie nodded quickly. "Yes."

"Good." Addison paused, then smiled awkwardly. "Goodnight."

They all murmured replies and turned around and continued walking. George shot Cristina and Izzie a 'that was close' kind of look, while Meredith commented, "She seems nice."

"Yeah, _now_." Cristina muttered.

"What?"

"Nothing."

XXXXXXXX

Later that night, Meredith was lying in her bed, trying to sleep, when she heard someone screaming.

She waited for a minute, hesitating. Then she heard something else, and rose from the bed and headed toward the hall.

She got outside Izzie's door and was startled to hear sobbing.

Meredith started to go in when she heard George, coming up behind her in the darkness, hiss, "Wait!"

George moved toward the door. Izzie was having another one of those dreams, the ones that generally ended in her waking up in tears. She'd had them a lot right after Denny died, and it was getting better now, but was still nothing unusual.

How was he going to explain that to Meredith?

"George, what's wrong with her?" Meredith's voice rose in panic. "Why are you so calm about-"

George opened the door and went to the bed, shaking Izzie awake gently. "Iz, Iz, it's okay…."

Izzie's eyes opened slowly. "I…he…" Her face was soaked with tears. "Oh, God, George…" She clutched at his arms.

Feeling helpless, George wrapped his arms around Izzie. He wasn't good at this. At the soothing. It worried him, and he never knew what to say. Meredith had been handling it a lot more than he had…

Now, though, Meredith was standing over his shoulder, her face etched with worry and confusion.

"I…I saw him." Izzie was sobbing. "I saw Denny."

"I know…" George whispered soothingly. "It's okay."

"Who's Denny?"

George didn't answer her.

"Izzie?" Meredith sat on the edge of the bed next to her friends, gently laying a hand on Izzie's back. "Izzie, what is it, what were you dreaming about it?"

"It was…it was Denny…again…"

"Who's…who's Denny?"

Izzie's sobs redoubled and she clutched at George's shirt. He shot Meredith a look. "Just shut up, okay?"

"But, George, what is she-"

"Just get out, okay, Meredith? Just wait in the hall, I've got her…"

Feeling stung, Meredith stood still for a second, then turned without a word to him and left the bedroom.

George felt instantly guilty, but he hadn't been able to help himself. The last thing to do at times like these was to upset Izzie…

After awhile, he got her calmed down and she drifted back to sleep and George headed into the hallway, where he found Meredith sitting with her back against the wall, her lips pressed tightly together.

He slid down the wall across from her. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped at you, I just...it's not your fault you didn't know. I was just panicked. And I didn't want to upset Izzie anymore." He watched Meredith's face for any sign that she was hearing him or processing what he said, but her expression didn't change. "I'm sorry, Meredith."

When she finally spoke, her voice was flat and emotionless, but it was trembling a little. "I had no idea what was going on. I didn't know how to help. I'm just in the way now, because I'm so behind. It's like I don't know you guys as much, not your lives anyway because so much went on, and it may as well have went on without me. You've all changed, I can tell, but I don't know why. It's like I don't know you." She repeated." "I don't know even know me."

Looking at his hands, George replies, "You won't feel like that for long, Mer. And besides, you do know us. We're the same people, we're still you're friends."

"Yeah but you've changed a little. Like you. You seem…." She looks at him. "I don't know, more confident maybe. They told me you're dating some ortho surgeon." George grins slightly, feeling the color rise to his cheeks. "Cristina's not quite so hard, maybe. Must be because of Burke. They told me that, too. And Izzie…" Her expression darkened. "I thought maybe she seemed a little less…happy? And now…" She waved a hand toward Izzie's room. "That's obvious. Who's Denny?"

George hesitated. "Denny was Izzie's boyfriend. Fiancée."

Meredith watched him. "Was?"

George nodded. "Yeah, he…he was heart patient. At the hospital. Izzie really liked him at first, and then I guess they started falling for each other. He…he got a heart transplant, asked Izzie to marry him, and…he died. Of a stroke."

Meredith felt the color drain from her face. She stared at George, dumbfounded. "Wh...when?"

"About a month ago."

"Oh my God. Poor Izzie…" Meredith felt like crying. Crying for her friend, crying because something so terrible had happened to her and Meredith didn't even know, and crying because she realized for the first time how much difference a year can make, and how much else she might not remember….

"Yeah."

"And I…I didn't even know…"

"Mer, stop talking like that." George told her firmly. "You _did _know. You've been there for her like the rest of us…you're usually the one who talks to her when she wakes up after dreams like this. You've been great with her, even with-" George closed his mouth, cursing inwardly. He'd almost said 'even with everything you've been going through'.

Thank God he stopped himself.

"You did know." He repeated. "You might not remember right now but…you were there for her." He thinks about explaining the deal with the LVAD wire, the way Meredith had made sure no one left and gotten everyone to stick together afterward. But George decides not to give away anymore than he needs to about the past…he might slip up and not catch himself. "One thing, though…maybe you shouldn't mention it to Izzie. Yet. That you know."

"Okay. And thanks, George." She said quietly.

XXXXXXXX

Meredith is lying on her bed the next day, after Izzie and George had left for work, when something vague and distant came to her.

_I have spent hours picturing myself half naked in a room with three women…the reality is SO much better._

Her heart racing slightly, Meredith paused, searching her brain…

_A tiny little area of the examination room with a curtain blocking. She opens the curtain to see George with his pants down, laying on a table, while Alex got a shot ready._

_Right, George has syphilis. From that red headed nurse he'd been dating._

_"George, it's not a big deal. You've got a cute butt."_

_Alex looks at her. "I have a cute butt, too."_

_She studies the syringe he's been preparing. "Oh, get out…you're doing it wrong."_

_"Be my guest." _

_George protests. "Alex!"_

_Izzie opens the curtain a second later. "What are we dong?"_

_"Breaking George's spirit!" George claws at the curtain to close it._

_"Curing George's syph." _

_Next Cristina comes in. "What are we doing?"_

_"We are saving George from a lifetime of festering sores and instanity."_

All of it, giving George the penicillin, is suddenly clear. Meredith wracks her brain. Syphilis, syphilis…

_Six nurses, four residents, and two interns on this surgical floor have been diagnosed with syphilis. If you are having unprotected sex with another member of the staff, GET TESTED…"_

_Standing next to Cristina in the room with the rest of the staff, simultaneously trying not to giggle and trying not to catch Derek's eye, since he just walked in._

_"Patricia will now give you a safe sex demonstration."_

_She's holding a banana and a condom._

_Cristina stiffens next to her in effort not to laugh at the look on George's face. A nudge from Cristina point him out._

_"Poor George."_

_"You know I think he really likes Typhoid Mary." Cristina indicates Olivia._

_"Not too many budding relationships survive a good dose of VD." Voicing concerns about Derek. Should she ask him? They haven't really clarified anything…_

_"Yeah."_

_"Yeah."_

Meredith clutched the bedspread beneath her. There's something else. Derek and syphilis. They'd talked about it…

She closed her eyes, trying to grasp it. They _had _talked about it.

_They're in the hallway. "For the record…" She's nervous. "You'd tell me if I need to get tested, right?"_

_He gives her a look of mock horror. "You think I have syphilis?"_

_Answer quickly. "No. Just…we never made any rules, we never…said we have rules, and I wouldn't hold it against you."_

_"When would I have time to get syphilis? You're a handful as it is, and besides, we're practically a…condom ad." _

_She suppresses a smile. "But no more glow in the dark ones."_

_"You see, there's nothing to worry about." He pauses momentarily. "Maybe we should. Make some rules, I mean."_

_Excitement hits. Keeps her voice casual. "We should."_

_They start to walk off. He calls back. "Just for the record…"_

_"Uh huh?"_

_"I LIKE the glow in the dark ones." _

_She laughs. " I bet you do."_

Meredith smiled unconsciously, excited. It's started. It's coming back. She waits, grasping for anything else but she can't remember anything past walking away from Derek.

Still, as she thinks back, details fill in. The Chief had a brain tumor and Derek was doing the surgery that night and asked her to scrub in, but keep it a secret. She'd hung up on the woman from the care home, then called back and talked about that family function where her mother was…

It felt as if all of this had just happened, but everything stopped when she'd walked away from Derek.

Still…it was something.

Excited, she grabbed the phone and dialed Derek's cell.

XXXXXXXX

Derek was grabbing a quick bite in the cafeteria when his cell phone rang. "Hello?"

"Derek?"

"Hey, you!" He smiled into the phone. "How are you feeling?"

"Great! Guess what? I remembered something."

"What?"

"The syphilis outbreak in the hospital. George got it, and I remember giving him a shot of penicillin, and you telling me about the Chief's brain surgery…the last thing I remember is talking with you about how we should make some rules…"

His smile dropped. Make some rules. Syphilis. The Chief's operation. That meant the day that Addison had showed up.

His voice badly strained, he answered. "That's great, Mer!"

A few minutes later, he hung up with Meredith and stared at the tray in front of him, appetite gone.

XXXXXXX

That night, Derek went to Meredith's house to see her, and was cautious walking in the door behind her roommates. What if she'd remembered already?

But, no, she came to meet him, obviously in a good mood because of her memory coming back.

He kissed her. "Hey."

"Hi." She smiled up at him, and he felt a familiar ache as he looked at her, something he'd been feeling for the past few days. He'd missed seeing her like this: happy. He'd missed her looking at him like that.

With complete love and trust.

Damn.

"You okay?" She asked him.

"Yeah." He smiled, pushing those thoughts out of his mind. "Fine."

Meredith turned her attention to George. "Hey, syph boy."

He froze. "Oh." He made a face. "You remember?"

"Yeah. I remember the three of us curing you, too."

Izzie laughed suddenly at the memory.

Meredith turned her attention back to Derek. "You'll stay the night, won't you?"

George shot him a look, but Izzie elbowed him.

Derek smiled. Who was he kidding? Of course he would. "Of course."

Meredith slipped her hand into his. "Come on."

He couldn't help smiling as she led him upstairs.

In her bedroom, Derek didn't hesitate before pulling her against him and kissing her intensely. Desire was chasing away all rational thought at the moment.

With his mouth still pressed against hers, he reached out and fumbled with the button of her jeans, and he felt her reach for the bottom of his shirt…

XXXXXXX

"Oh, man." George rolled his eyes. "Is he going to get some or what?"

"_George."_ Izzie shot him a look.

"Well, it's just…wrong. He's going off this whole lie…"

"I don't want to get into this with you again, George."

George stared at her, but she looked dead serious. "Fine."

Izzie stood. "I'm going to bed. You coming?"

"No. I remember how loud they are." He made a face. "I'm going to Callie's."

"Suit yourself." Izzie paused, thinking back to the early days when they had no idea it was _Derek_ Meredith was sleeping with and were just plain annoyed at lying awake all night, unable to drown out the noise… "Actually, I might see what Alex is up to." Her voice was would be casual, but it made George turn from the doorway and stare.

"Seriously!"

"I said I might."

George half smiled. "Suit yourself."

XXXXXXXXX

Hours later, Derek was asleep, his arms wrapped loosely around Meredith's body.

She was lying there when something else began to come slowly into focus in her mind.

_Telling Derek about her mother…_

_Standing in the hallway, waiting for the Chief to wake up…_

_Getting that phone call, how guilty it had made her feel…._

_Finally confessing the truth…_

_The way Derek had stroked her hair and kissed her forehead….._

There's more. Don't let it slip away….

_Going to see the Chief._

_"Meredith? You're an intern. He's an a attending."_

_"You saw us" That meant the optic nerve was okay! "You can see…"_

_Chief is all seriousness. "I'll tell you what you're mother would say if she were here. You're making a mistake. A big one."_

_"And I would tell my mother it's not a mistake."_

Derek a mistake…

Meredith closed her eyes, trying to focus. She'd gone to him after leaving the Chief…they were going to dinner, to talk about rules…what else…

_Finding him in the lobby._

_"Wine first, talk later."_

_Him helping her with coat, giving her that look._

_Suddenly looking away, a startled expression on his face. A tall, red headed woman walking toward them._

Meredith's eyebrows shot up. She could suddenly clearly see the woman's face as she walked toward them. Dr. Montgomery, Addison, the new neo-natal surgeon…

_"Meredith, I am so sorry." Derek facing the woman. "Addison. What are you dong here?"_

_"Well you'd know if you bothered to return any one of my phone calls."_

Meredith's heart was beginning to race. She remembered feeling a sudden sense of dread when Derek said he was sorry. But what had happened. How did Derek already know that doctor?

Meredith thought hard, willing her brain not to let go of the memory..

_Addison turning to her. "Hi. I'm Addison Shepard."_

Meredith shook her head. That couldn't be right. Montgomery was what they'd said her last name was.

But, no, it's clear now. The way she said, the way she'd stuck out her hand to Meredith.

Oh, God…

_"Shepard?"_

_"And you must be the woman who's been screwing my husband."_

_Staring at Derek. Turning and leaving, out into the rain…_

Oh, God.

No.

Fuck no…

Meredith's shaking all over, because that's where the memory stops. Standing in the rain, feeling like she's about to be sick, a feeling that's repeating itself now.

After that it's blank.

Married.

_Screwing my husband_

He had a wife. That's what everyone hadn't told her. He'd lied to her.

How could they still be together?

The way everyone had seemed so weird when she'd kissed Derek at the hospital.

Oh, God….

Tears were pooling her eyes as she watched Derek sleeping. Meredith shook him violently suddenly. "Derek?"

"Hmmm? Wassit?" He opened his eyes slowly, staring at her outline in the darkness. "Mer?"

She didn't know what to say. Finally, she said very quietly, afraid if she raised her voice even a little she'd start crying. "Get out."

**Okay, so I hope everyone liked this chapter. It was hard for me to write, for some reason, so I'd really like some detailed reviews if you can.  I'd like to know what everyone thought about the different scenes and points of view. One thing I'm still hesitant about is the thing with Izzie sympathizing with Derek because of her experiences with Denny, so I want to know if that came off alright. Also, Derek's point of view, of course Meredith's, whether the conflict within both of them is coming across okay. So please review, tell me what you thought. **


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

**I'm so sorry, guys, that it's been so long. I was really stuck on this story for awhile, but I finally had an idea of where I'm heading. This chapter is a filler of sorts, just the aftermath of Derek finding out, but I like what goes on and I wanted to get it up. The next one will be much longer and eventful, so please keep reviewing. And Sky Blue and Black will hopefully be updated soon, but I've started school again and junior year's a bitch. A couple of you asked questions about stuff that hadn't been clear in the story (Addison/Derek's relationship now, Derek saying I love you) and you didn't miss anything…a lot of stuff happened in the month between prom and when this story began, and all of that will be revealed eventually when Meredith is either told or remembers herself, though some is revealed in conversation throughout the story.**

"Meredith, what?"

"Get _out." _Her voice rose.

Derek turned on his side and tried to make out her face from the small beam of light shining through the window, but all he could see was the dim outline, though he could hear her breath coming out in short, uneven gasps.

It didn't take a brain surgeon to figure out what had happened.

Using his best attempt at a calm, rational, 'let's talk about this' tone, Derek said, "Meredith, just let me-"

Her voice shrill, Meredith cut him off. "What are you not understanding, Derek, get the _fuck _out of my house-"

"Mer, you don't know the whole story!"

Meredith stared at him, incredulous. She felt a sudden urge to slap him, but her hands were shaking too much. "No, I don't, because you wouldn't tell me anything!"

He paused, his mind racing with possible explanations. "True. But-"

"No! There's, there's no…there's no but, no excuses, no…no nothing…" She was falling apart and Meredith willed herself to focus. "Nothing. So get out of my house, right now-"

"Meredith, that was a long time ago-"

"Yeah? Tough. Because it doesn't feel like it to me." Her voice was shaking violently, and the tears she'd been furiously blinking back were threatening to spill over. "Shit, Derek, just…." She'd been lied to. Twice. He'd lied when they were dating by not telling her about his wife, just a _small _detail he might have mentioned, and he'd lied to her since the accident about everything being okay.

Derek stared helplessly at the look on Meredith's face. She opened her mouth to speak again, but he held up his hands in a surrender. "Okay, okay. I'm gonna go. Okay?" He stood slowly, still keeping his hands out as though trying to protect himself. "But…we do need to talk about this."

Meredith didn't answer. She was staring fixedly at the wall past Derek.

"Okay." He said lamely. "I'm leaving. I'm sorry."

Meredith squeezed her eyes closed and listened to his footsteps leave the room and head downstairs, then heard the door close.

Only then did she allow the tears that had been threatening her to spill over onto her cheeks.

Derek didn't make it further than the front porch; his knees gave out beneath him and he sat on the steps, his head in his hands.

Really, what had he expected? He'd known this was coming. But he still couldn't have prepared himself to the look Meredith gave him.

Inside, Meredith didn't move for a couple minutes. Then she stood up and went out of her bedroom towards Izzie's. She flung open the door, her voice loud and shaky, "Why didn't you tell me he had a wife!"

She froze. Izzie's room was empty, her bed still made up.

Moving across the hall she yelled, "George!" She flung open his door and saw the room was also empty. "Damn it…"

Meredith turned and ran down the stairs, desperate to find someone to explain this to her, desperate for someone to make any kind of sense out of what happened.

"Izzie!" Her voice rose in pitch and she walked from the living room to the kitchen. "George!" She walked through all the rooms before realizing they weren't there. "Great. Just…" Her knees felt weak beneath her, and Meredith sunk dazedly onto the couch, her eyes burning.

Cristina. She could call Cristina, she'd be honest, she'd tell her the rest of the story….

Meredith's hands were shaking as she began to dial Cristina's apartment, nonplussed about waking her up in the middle of the night. Halfway through the number Meredith realized it wasn't even the right number…Cristina had moved in with Burke.

She didn't remember the new number.

Her stomach clenching painfully, Meredith let the phone slide from her hands. "Fuck…" She felt helpless, unable to even remember a phone number that would connect her to someone who could explain things to her.

Her throat was closing tightly in an effort to suppress the sobs threatening to accompany the tears. Meredith clenched her teeth together to stop them, not that there was any point; she was alone.

She was replaying the last memory in her mind over and over, desperately hoping to resurface something else. Something after she'd left the hospital…

Nothing new came. Instead, Meredith found herself replaying the look of on Derek's face when he'd looked up toward the desk. The panic of his 'Meredith, I'm so sorry.' The dizzying feeling that had hit her when that woman introduced herself as Shepard.

With a jolt, Meredith thought back to the day she'd left the hospital, when they'd run into her in the hallway.

_Right, you don't remember me. Addison…Montgomery._

She'd paused.

But if Derek still had a wife, and she knew about Meredith's current state of mind…how had he spent so much time with her? Spent the night at her house? Were they still married? Meredith felt like screaming in frustration; the more she thought about it, the more unanswered questions she had.

Cristina's voice echoed in her head, what she'd said to Meredith after meeting Addison…

_She seems nice._

_Sure, now._

They'd known exactly what had been going on.

Her anger was growing, at all of them. All week they had been giving her that line about it being better on letting her remember on her own. But how the hell could this be better? They hadn't wanted to be the ones to tell her, bunch of cowards. And now, when she needed something to explain, they weren't there. Izzie and George had run off, even though they knew what she'd be remembering next…they had to have known…

Meredith stood from the couch, pacing the room purposelessly. The past days since waking up in the hospital bed were whirring around in her mind, and this time she caught tiny details she'd missed: the general negativity at Derek's presence, the darkening of Bailey's eyes when she told her Derek had been great….

In her pacing, her eyes caught sight on something outside the window. Moving closer to the window, she moved her eyes to the front porch.

Derek was sitting on the front steps, an elbow propped on each knee, his head dropped into his hands.

Obeying her first instinct to ignore him, she turned her back to the window, trying to push the image out of her mind.

Of course, it wouldn't go. She paced the living room for only a few more moments before growing agitated and moving into the kitchen, searching for something to distract her.

The tequila, her first choice, was absent. She found a six pack in the fridge that had been emptied to only one. That would be no help.

Somehow, Derek's presence outside the porch felt incredibly obvious. She had been wrong before…she wasn't cut off from all people who could offer her the explanation she wanted. In fact, her was the person who could tell her the most. But she didn't feel prepared to talk to him.

She glanced at the illuminated digits on the oven's clock. It was nearly 4:30 in the morning.

Meredith couldn't take it anymore. She moved toward the front door and opened it.

Derek turned, looking startled, at the creak of the hinges. She stared down at him, taking in his bloodshot eyes, full of guilt and agony.

She shut the door behind her, taking away the source of life. She didn't want to look at him like that, and she didn't want him to see her tear-stained face.

Too late, of course. He'd noticed, having taken in every detail of her expression, searching for some sign of forgiveness, some softness. There was none.

He waited, choking the useless explanations rattling around in his mind. He didn't trust himself to speak.

"Derek, would you just…just _please _go away?"

Meredith herself was shocked at her tone. She's spent the past half an hour building up rage, and had intended on venting that at Derek. Instead her voice came out soft, uneven, and pleading…like she was seconds away from a breakdown.

"Mer…" His voice was barely a whisper, and there was a softness to it that brought fresh tears to her eyes. Hidden by the darkness, she let them roll down her cheeks. "Meredith. I don't know what to say. I'm sorry. I was sorry for it when it happened, and I'm sorry now that I didn't tell you but…I didn't know how."

She nodded. Then, desperately trying not to cry, said, "When I asked..." She felt him turn toward her. "I asked where we were, relationship wise. You…you said nothing changed."

She could hear the regret dripping with his voice. "I couldn't tell you the truth…I didn't want to see your face. I didn't want to have to explain. But I didn't…I didn't lie. I said I'd been in love with you the whole time, that nothing had changed. And, Mer, that's…that's completely true."

She pressed her lips tightly together, and took a second to steady her voice before answering, and it came out barely audible. "That didn't answer my question."

"I know." She tensed slightly as his fingers touched her cheek. "It should."

Making herself pull back from his touch, she replied, her voice coming out uneven and thick, "Then why doesn't it?"

There was no mistaking it now; he could tell she was crying. Derek didn't know how to answer. Where do you start?

Meredith finally managed to choke out, "I mean…what happened? I need someone to tell me, Derek. Please."

He sighed. He knew this was his chance to be honest, for once in his life. But he still felt paralyzed with the same fear. How to tell her all that? There was still so much, though admittedly Addison was a biggie.

"Mer, I screwed up a lot. I hurt you a lot. Not just not telling you about Addison but…more. It's been really messed up for the past year, and I've been miserable a bout it."

"Are you still with her?"

He turned, trying to meet her eyes, but her face was turned away; it was too dark anyway. "No."

She looked up.

"We're separated. But not for long."

"Oh." He can hear the disappointment in her voice. "So you're staying…you stayed with her?"

Derek winced, thinking of Meredith's face the night of the train accident. _Oh. You're staying with her._ It hadn't even been a question. She'd known. He thought about how much he'd wanted to say, tell her how sorry he was and it wasn't because he didn't love her….anything, but he'd been desperately trying to pretend both of their worlds weren't crashing down. _Yeah, she's wife._

"Yeah." He began to speak quickly. "Because I felt like I needed to try with my marriage. Not because I didn't…not because I didn't want to be with you."

Meredith ran her hands through her hair absently, trying to imagine this. She doubts she can ever get the hang of this hearing incidents; to her, it felt like he was telling her the future. And it wasn't something she wanted to hear.

Derek kept talking. "You'll remember me telling you this pretty soon but…Addison….we'd been married for eleven years. In New York, and she cheated on me. With my best friend, Mark. And I didn't want to deal with it, so I left, and I came here and…I met you. I didn't expect that, and I…I don't know why I never told you. I was stupid."

"Yeah." She agreed, not sure what to say.

They lapsed into silence for awhile. Finally, she asked, "I want to know more. How did…did you decide right away to stay with her? How did you tell me? Was it…was I so pissed I broke up with you?" To be honest, that was how she was feeling right now.

Derek smiled humorlessly, looking down at his hands. "You were really mad, but…" He trailed off. What would be the end of that sentence. _…but I told you she gave me divorce papers and there was nothing to think about. …but you gave me a choice and I picked Addison anyway…._

"Derek?"

His throat was closing up. He couldn't make the words come out. Finally, he shook his head. "I'm sorry, Mer, I can't do this. I still can't."

"Do…what?" She turned to look at him, and nearly jumped when he slid his hand into hers.

His voice was quiet. "I can't hurt you all over again. I can't sit here and tell you everything I did wrong. Because it was a lot, and it was bad enough the first time..."

Meredith's heart thudded painfully. In her eyes, Derek had been so perfect, so in control, and so sure of himself…this was becoming harder and harder to wrap her head around. "_What_?"

"Listen…" His voice took on a note of urgency, and his mind was darting ahead, planning what to say. "I need you to listen to me. It's important."

"Derek, what are you talking about…" He'd just got done telling her he couldn't tell her anything, and now he was making her listen…

"I need to tell you this before you remember everything and we go back to the way we've been." He was speaking really fast, hoping desperately to get this out.

Meredith cut him off. "_How _have we been, Derek, that's what I need to know-"

He kept talking. "No, you need to hear this. And you need to remember it. I love you-"

"Derek-" She started to protest, but he cut her off.

"No, I…I need you to head this, Mer. Please? Because I've wanted to tell you, but I can't because of…well, because of everything. I love you, and I'm sorry. For everything. I'm an ass. And the only reason I didn't tell you sooner about everything that's happened in the last year is because I haven't been really happy since we were together and I just…I got lost in pretending."

"Derek…" Her voice was quiet and calm, but her eyes had filled with tears of frustration. He didn't understand what she was feeling. He didn't understand that what he was saying meant nothing to her if she didn't know what _everything_ meant, and he didn't understand how much she needed to know the truth. She paused and forced her voice to harden. "If you're not going to tell me anything, you should go."

"But, Meredith-" He put his hand on her arm.

She pulled away instantly, moving over a little on the steps. "No, I mean it! It's bad enough that you tell me you have a wife I never knew about, and then you start talking about all the crap that's happened since, but you won't tell me about it? No, you know what, just leave. Coming out here to talk to you was a mistake…"

She stood up on the steps and almost instantaneously Derek was also standing. "Don't go in, Meredith. I'm sorry, but-"

"You're sorry again? Somehow that doesn't help, because half the times you've apologized tonight I haven't known what the hell you're apologizing _for_!"

She turned to the house but he put his hand on her arm, his grip a little tighter and he moved her to look at him. "Do you still love me?" The question came out of the blue.

She looked into his eyes for a moment before pulling her gaze away. "What?"

His heart was hammering in his ears. He'd been wondering this for the past month. Ever since the time that came after the first hellish week following prom, where Meredith had stopped talking to him, or looking at him… he couldn't tell. He knew her well enough to see she wasn't happy, see that she was just going through the motions of work, but she never met his gaze long enough for him to read into it too much. And he wanted to know.

"Do you still love me? Now, at the…at the present time?" He made a face at how that sounded.

"How can I know that, Derek?" Her voice rose slightly the more she talked. "I don't know what's happened! I'm stuck a year behind you, and you refuse to even help me-"

"What, you think that goes with your memory?"

"Huh?", she replied, distracted from the rant she'd just started on.

"You think whether you love me or not is in your memory?" He still hadn't let go of her arm.

Meredith started at me for a second, trying to see how serious he was. When his expression didn't change as he simply waited for an answer, she looked away from him. "It's not fair to ask me that, Derek."

"It's simple."

"No, it's not! You have _no clue _how I'm feeling right now! I can't even start to wrap my head around everything, and I don't know how to answer your question, and I don't know how to deal with you _not _answering_ my _questions, and I can't not know anymore, this is killing me…." Her voice broke and suddenly, unable to stop herself, she was _really _crying, soft but audible sobs.

Derek slowly released his grip on her arm, unsure of what to do. He forced himself to forget about his questions; she was right, it wasn't fair to her. After everything he'd already put her through since the accident and he still couldn't stop it.

His stomach clenched painfully; he hated Meredith crying. He moved slowly toward her, moving to put his arms around her, but she jerked back, snapping through her tears, "Don't!"

Her whole body was shaking, and Meredith slowly moved to sit down on the porch steps again, unable to hold herself steady. She held her head in her arms and cried, hating herself for it, for doing it in front of him She felt Derek move back to sitting position next to her.

Derek sat next to her, watching helplessly, wanting to hold her, tell her it would be okay, but sure she didn't want that. After a few moments, he ventured putting a hand gingerly on her shoulder. "Mer…", he kept his voice gentle. "I won't ask you anything. You're right, I don't know what you're feeling…but I'm here for you."

"Oh _right."_ Her voice dripped with sarcasm and bitterness. "You're here when I think we're still dating, and you're here when you haven't told me the truth about what happened with us, and you're here when you think you can use this to tell me something you couldn't otherwise…"

Derek listened to this, unable to think of a reply because none of it was wrong. But she didn't know that he was also here for any other time. For anything. And he didn't know how to make her believe him; why should she trust him?

Taking his silence to mean he had no protest, Meredith kept talking. "Can you just leave, Derek?" She'd meant to sound forceful, but her voice came out too exhausted.

"I…" He paused, wanting to protest but knowing he was in no position to do so. "Yeah. But Mer, where are George and Izzie?"

"I don't know. They left for somewhere for the night."

Derek stood, still looking down at Meredith as he did. Her face was still buried in her arms. "Bye, Mer. I'll see you later okay?" She didn't answer, and before he could stop himself, he added. "I am sorry. I love you." He knew he was torturing her, but he needed to get that through her head. He didn't move for a moment, half expecting a reply that never came. Finally, he turned and went to his car.

He waited in the car at the edge of the driveway for a few minutes, watching her. She didn't move from the porch. Finally, he turned the key in the ignition and started away from Meredith.

As he did so, he grabbed his cell phone, wanting to call Izzie. He didn't want Meredith to be alone. He didn't know her number.

He sighed, realizing he didn't have the number of any of her friends. However, he did have Burke's, which meant he could reach Cristina, though if he was honest, she wasn't the person he was most anxious to talk to.

Still, she was Meredith's best friend. And this was about Meredith.

He dialed Burke's apartment number, and after four rings heard a groggy voice answer, "Hello?"

"Dr. Yang, um, Cristina? This is Dr. Shepard?"

There was a long pause at the other end of the phone. "Are you anywhere near a functioning clock?" Her voice was almost a snarl, and no one overhearing the conversation would have guessed Cristina was speaking to her boss.

"Look, I'm sorry to bother you, but the only number I had was yours and Burke's so-"

"He's not here. He's on call."

"Okay. I didn't call for him, I needed….Meredith remembered. About Addison."

Cristina suddenly sounded fully awake. "What a surprise. I guess you had kind of been blocking out the fact that that would happen, huh?"

Derek ignored the sarcasm. "We've talked, and I just left, but…she's kind of upset-"

"No shit. God, you're an asshole. I don't care what Izzie said, you've been a selfish jerk this whole time, and pretty soon you'll be giving lines about how you did it because you love her or you never meant to hurt her… even though we told you, everyone told you, all along that you were making it worse."

"Okay, okay. You're right. But Izzie and George aren't at the house for the night, and she's by herself. I think she wants some answers, so-"

"So you want me to do it for you? I'll go over there to check on Mer, but don't use me to tell her what you've done wrong, as if she didn't ask you. She knows you're hiding something now, why not come clean?"

"I _can't_, okay? I just…I can't do it. I'm not asking you to understand that, or listen to me…I just don't want her to be by herself."

"Fine, I said I'd go. But you have to be honest with her eventually."

"Thank you." This was in response to the first thing Cristina had said. HE didn't care to think about the second part.

**Eh, like I said, this is a filler. I don't have the season two premiere taped and I haven't seen it in forever, so I'm having trouble getting some flashback info for the next part. And anyway, I was sick of not updating this, so I went ahead and got this in. It's given me a good place to come off of, hopefully quicker. REVIEW please. Since this was almost completely Meredith and Derek, I'd really like to know how their point of view was portrayed, what worked, etc. **


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